Framing Tragedy

I'm sure, as with most of you, waking up to horrific news remains devastating.  As a friend said, "I know this stuff happens, but it is awful every.single.time."  As it indeed should be, and I pray our hearts never get callous to the shock and dismay.  When you have children, I think these situations add another dimension.  How, when and what do you tell your children in these situations?

The media has the information along every front and it is hard to avoid it.  Personally, our family has decided that it is best for our children to hear it from us, first.  So this morning I said to my kids, "I'm sorry that I have to tell you this.  I'm sorry that you live in a world where these things are becoming commonplace."  I then proceeded to tell them the events with tears.

I also told them about my walk this morning.  I try to go for a walk every morning and while I go I listen to Pray As You Go app.  It opened with a song that was derived from Psalm 91:

Whoever dwells in the shelter of the Most High

    will rest in the shadow of the Almighty.[a]

2 I will say of the Lord, “He is my refuge and my fortress,

    my God, in whom I trust.”

3 Surely he will save you

    from the fowler’s snare

    and from the deadly pestilence.

4 He will cover you with his feathers,

    and under his wings you will find refuge;

    his faithfulness will be your shield and rampart.

5 You will not fear the terror of night,

    nor the arrow that flies by day,

6 nor the pestilence that stalks in the darkness,

    nor the plague that destroys at midday.

I ended up sharing the words from today.  While these words aren't meant to be an "escape" from the reality of the tragedy, it does show that the story does not end in the midst of terror. 

My heart has remained very heavy throughout today and I know that I am far removed from the events that took place.  I appreciated being led in a prayer for this situation by the presiding Bishop Michael Curry:

https://youtu.be/zYACfi9nBOs

I pray that some of these thoughts and ideas my bring peace to your own hearts, prayers and conversations as you move forward from today.

May you go in peace to love and serve the Lord.

In Christ,



P.S. Another post I have written on similar topics is called, In the Light of Terror.

Strands of Love

As a writer, I always struggle with what to share because I want to say something that is authentic.  I also struggle with wanting something that others can relate to so that those who take time to read what I write find their time well spent.  As I wrestled through how/what to say for this post I had an image of strands of thread.  All I can offer you is a beautiful strand - it doesn't amount to much when it stands on its own, but if you can take a strand or two of mine and combine it with other strands that you yourself hold in your hand, then perhaps, out of those strands something beautiful can be weaved.

In this post, I want to look at how relationships can lead us to a deeper understanding of God's love towards us.  I know that not everyone has experienced positive examples of these types of love, but that is why we should glean from others when possible.

So here are a couple strands for you to add to the life experiences that you yourself hold.

Parental Love Strand:

I had a heart-rattling dream where my son was lost for a day-and-a-half.  The emotional upheaval of thinking he was dead really shook me.  During the dream I made the statement, "How can I live without him?"  In the rawness of that dream, I realized how deeply entrenched the parent/child relationship is - there is no ceremonial moment of declaration for this love - it just is.  This child, who is birthed out of you and becomes a separate, individual person, is deeply connected to your heart. 

In awe of this love, I stepped back to reflect on the fact that our God declares that He is our Father and we are His children.  I know that the pain in my heart from a nightmare (that I got to wake up from - and not everyone gets to wake up from) is only a mere droplet of God's heart for us.

Where did humanity come from? 

It was birthed out of the heart of God. 

How can I live without them?

 Maybe, just maybe, this is a small glimpse of how our Heavenly Father longs after us.  We, who were created in His image - individual and separate yet deeply connected to His heart. It isn't through ceremony nor anything that we have done. Perhaps seeing Him as Father, through His eyes (instead of looking upward as a child) will help you to see how full of love He is for you, His child.

Marital Love Strand:

I'm coming up on 14 years of marriage and I love it.  I've been to two weddings recently and each time I hear those vows repeated they hold so much more meaning.  You realize that in that moment you had no idea what you were actually declaring, yet how true each and every word would need to be to carry you through life.

I found love on a swing

I found love on a swing.  I was young, he was young.  I remember the sun setting and the rocks tickling between my toes.

As the metallic chains twisted we talked about life.  He said, "What's the point of dating if it's not the person you plan to be with all your life?"

We were young.  How could we know what life and love would throw our way?

We are still young, I'm sure in many ways but in other ways I feel we stand at a crossroads: watching our grandparents teetering at the end of life.  Watching our parents whom we remember as young as us entering "old age." The letting go of today and welcoming the unknown.  We see our kids young and impetuous, full of life and dreams yet just starting to touch their toes to reality of hardships that life brings.  And in this place of middleness, I remember finding love on a swing.  The words and promises that were made without knowing the depths it would take us.  The snapshot of perfection in time.  I know that I was given a gift from above.  A gift that undergirds my entire life.  

I found love on a swing; it is such a gift to me.

There is something about marital love that is unique and special.  Unlike parental love, it emerges from a choice that we make after we learn more about the other person.  It is a type of love that strengthens and deepens with time.  God has invited us to not only know Him as our Heavenly Father but we have also been invited to be the Bride of Christ.  This next type of love, is an invitation for us to know Him more deeply, to experience everyday life with Him.  Yes, there are moments of declaration of this love, but only time lives out the reality of this love.

Lo, I am with you always, even until the end of the age.  This is the love that He has declared for you.  A love that was declared in a moment of time, yes, but also a love that walks beyond that moment with you through time.  Do you see it embedded into your life?

As I said in the beginning, these are mere strands that I offer to you.  I know that not everyone has experienced true parental love and/or marital love.  I do pray though that what you walk away with is a pinprick to stop and reflect on when you have experienced a type of love that moved you.  How has that love moved you?  Does reflecting on it give you a greater glimpse to the depths of the love that God has towards you?

In Christ,

 



Photo from:  http://www.publicdomainpictures.net/view-image.php?image=37443&picture=red-heart

Timeout for Mom

Well, Mother's Day was a test of my emotions, not because of a lack of love or appreciation from my family, rather it was due to what rose up inside of me.


"It's my party and I can cry if I want to..." would probably have been an appropriate theme song for that weekend. I don't usually need attention but something about that weekend awakened a quietly sleeping selfish beast. This beast thought: I should be served and appreciated and I shouldn't need to lift a single finger on Mother's Day weekend. (I'm just being honest.)

While this picture didn't turn out because I was trying not to squint, it does ironically capture a look at the beast.

The next day was no picnic either. After being loved on, celebrated and appreciated, you'd think it would be a beautiful day of peace and calmness where I eloquently demonstrated that I am that mother that was celebrated. But it just wasn't so.

So this morning, I had to give myself a timeout and be brought back to what I know to be true. I've prayed the prayers, "Lord, take my selfishness away. Make me patient, loving, gentle and kind!" And what I meant by that is: rip out all the evil and immediately upload the good. Do  a massive reboot today and let me look like who I really want to be in my mind. But as usual, I was reminded that just isn't how He works (at least not with me). Instead, He promised to walk with me today and teach me how to live and love by being daily transformed from inside out. Instead of the wave of a magic wand, I have to do the hard work of saying I'm sorry, asking for forgiveness and demonstrating by action that I need God to help me be a mother. So during my timeout, I went back through some old posts about what He has taught me in the past because I needed the reminder. So if you too were reminded on Mother's Day that you are far from the perfect mother and that you need God to be the builder of your home feel free to glance back with me:

10 pennies: which now reside in my pocket, 6 pennies in one and 4 in the other...

Gentleness: Oh, what a good reminder.

Training Children: Maybe better yet it should be called Training Parents.

This is a better reflection of how my family really makes me feel.

In Christ,

Framing the day

2:00 am my son was throwing up in his bed hence, you can know that this post is not written from some lofty seat of imagination, pretending or wishful thinking...

Yesterday, these verses were a part of my Daily Prayer time and they framed my day.  As I read them though, they stuck in my spirit with a greater intensity. I desired to see these verses as a framework around my everyday - as a mother, a wife and a daughter of God.  The image that came to my mind was a house being built and these verses provided the interior framing for it:

Psalm 125:1-2

Those who trust in the Lord are like Mount Zion,

which cannot be shaken but endures forever.

2 As the mountains surround Jerusalem,

so the Lord surrounds his people

both now and forevermore.

The  Lord surrounds his people - both now and forevermore.  To know exactly where you are placed is so reassuring.  He is before, behind and on both sides!  This position is not dependent upon who we are or what we do, but is dependent on the character of the Lord.  Reflecting on this alone, settles and secures my heart to move forward in the day with confidence and assurance.

Psalm 126

When the Lord restored the fortunes of Zion,

we were like those who dreamed.

2 Our mouths were filled with laughter,

our tongues with songs of joy.

Then it was said among the nations,

“The Lord has done great things for them.”

3 The Lord has done great things for us,

and we are filled with joy.

4 Restore our fortunes, Lord,

like streams in the Negev.

5 Those who sow with tears

will reap with songs of joy.

6 Those who go out weeping,

carrying seed to sow,

will return with songs of joy,

carrying sheaves with them.

This Psalm became an anthem for me two years ago.  When I initially read it, it rang so true in my life.  I had just come out of a season of many tears  and I was just beginning to see a reaping of many joyful things.  But at the same time, there were now new situations in my life that were causing tears.  With these verses in mind, I decided to approach these situations differently.  I still approached them with tears, but this time there was a new hope of confidence.  I knew that following these tears there would be a season of rejoicing.  I could cry knowing that the Lord was hearing and responding and that I could be patient with His timing.  Before, I had cried in hopes that my tears would make Him move, now I cried knowing that He carries my tears and because of His character the current situation was not the end.  The very next day, I was played a song that sang this Psalm almost word for word in Kristene Mueller's song: Those who Dream.

Psalm 127

Unless the Lord builds the house,

the builders labor in vain.

Unless the Lord watches over the city,

the guards stand watch in vain.

2 In vain you rise early

and stay up late,

toiling for food to eat—

for he grants sleep to those he loves.

3 Children are a heritage from the Lord,

offspring a reward from him.

4 Like arrows in the hands of a warrior

are children born in one’s youth.

5 Blessed is the man

whose quiver is full of them.

They will not be put to shame

when they contend with their opponents in court.

These verses mean so much to me.  Yes, you can look at it from the negative perspective - that I'm building in vain.  Or you can look at it from the truth of receiving His promises, because of His leading and guidance we are not building in vain.  The investments that we make on a daily basis are planting fruit and fruit that will last.  I love my children dearly.  They bring me so much joy and surprise me everyday.  I cannot wait to see how their lives impact this world for better.  Knowing my life, my daily steps are being walked out in trust of Him gives me confidence and assurance.

As I said in the beginning, these are verses that I want hang onto as a framework for my life in the season that I find myself.  I don't want them to be merely morning drive-by verses that warm my heart.  Rather, I am reflecting on them and letting them frame my thoughts and attitudes so that they provide the stability for the decisions and actions of my everyday.  As I trust in the Lord, His ways provides a security that I can rest in, no matter what is happening in my life at any given moment.

Resting in Him this day,

PS I've included two songs in this post.  Sometimes those who subscribe via e-mail cannot see the videos.  Click through to my blog if you want to hear the songs: Framing the Day

Lessons from my children Part 5: Traveling the way of love

A couple years ago, I did a series on Lessons from my children.  The series covered things I was learning while working through issues with my children. My kids are entering a new stage and as a result we are trying to work through some new kinks.  So I thought I would add onto the series and share our latest lesson.

I've shared before that my children have opposite personalities - every day that passes accentuates it more and more.  As my son, James the oldest, is getting older he is starting to get very frustrated with his sister.  My son is a straight-forward, no-nonsense kind of guy.  He knows how to laugh but he can also be very serious.  His sister Mercea, on the other hand, is a huge practical joker.  She loves to be silly, all the time, and she is the more aggressive personality, therefore she enjoys pushing his buttons.  So what has been coming out of his mouth alot is an exasperated voice stating, "My sister is so annoying!" "Why does she ALWAYS have to be like that!"

The other day, these words came out again so I thought it was time to deal with it.  When I feel like there is an issue I need to work through with my kids I send them to the bottom of the stairs.  They have to sit there quietly and wait until I'm ready:)!

On this particular day, the Holy Spirit reminded me that just two days before we had read Ephesians 4 together as a family and here was an opportunity for me to pull that out and show them how God's Word interacts with their everyday life:

Ephesains 4:1-7, 15, 24-29

In light of all this, here’s what I want you to do. While I’m locked up here, a prisoner for the Master, I want you to get out there and walk—better yet, run!—on the road God called you to travel. I don’t want any of you sitting around on your hands. I don’t want anyone strolling off, down some path that goes nowhere. And mark that you do this with humility and discipline—not in fits and starts, but steadily, pouring yourselves out for each other in acts of love, alert at noticing differences and quick at mending fences.

4-6 You were all called to travel on the same road and in the same direction, so stay together, both outwardly and inwardly. You have one Master, one faith, one baptism, one God and Father of all, who rules over all, works through all, and is present in all. Everything you are and think and do is permeated with Oneness.

7 But that doesn’t mean you should all look and speak and act the same. Out of the generosity of Christ, each of us is given his own gift.

We stopped here and talked about how we are each different - God has given James one personality and Mercea another personality.  But through our family, God is teaching us how to learn to love, cooperate and get along with others.  I stated how God is preparing both of them for marriage someday. They would someday marry someone who most likely will have a different personality. In fact, James might marry someone who had some of the same traits as his sister. God is giving them the time to learn how to love, how to compromise, how to be kind even when they didn't want to be kind. Do they want Mom and Dad to act like them whenever differences come up? We can have very different personalites but the way of love is learning to appreciate those differences, listen to those differences and learn how to walk together.

We talked about how these verses acknowledge that people do have differences but we need to work these differences out quickly.  What they do share in common is love for God and the fact that He is Our Father and we are His children.  So yes, we do look different and that is okay!  How then, does God want us to live?

God wants us to grow up, to know the whole truth and tell it in love—like Christ in everything. We take our lead from Christ, who is the source of everything we do. He keeps us in step with each other. His very breath and blood flow through us, nourishing us so that we will grow up healthy in God, robust in love.

Take on an entirely new way of life—a God-fashioned life, a life renewed from the inside and working itself into your conduct as God accurately reproduces his character in you.

25 What this adds up to, then, is this: no more lies, no more pretense. Tell your neighbor the truth. In Christ’s body we’re all connected to each other, after all. When you lie to others, you end up lying to yourself.

26-27 Go ahead and be angry. You do well to be angry—but don’t use your anger as fuel for revenge. And don’t stay angry. Don’t go to bed angry. Don’t give the Devil that kind of foothold in your life.

29 Watch the way you talk. Let nothing foul or dirty come out of your mouth. Say only what helps, each word a gift.

I love the practicality of Scripture.  I love that God doesn't leave us with, "Just don't do this, because it is wrong!" and therefore we get left with a weight that we can't carry.  But rather, He shows us a better way and invites us into it.  We see Christ, we know Christ and we learn that, yes, we have differences but there is a way to journey, with those differences intact, that leads to life.

As I walked away, I was overwhelmed with graditude to God for giving us a way to walk in as we manauver through this season of differences.  Also, for challenging me in my adult life to take these words to heart and let it effect how I deal with the people in my life that are different from me!  What a beautiful challenge to leave with - let each word be a gift! 

And this is where I like to rewind - this whole section started out with the words, "In light of all this..."

In light of what?

Ephesians 3:19-21

The extravagant dimensions of Christ’s love. Reach out and experience the breadth! Test its length! Plumb the depths! Rise to the heights! Live full lives, full in the fullness of God.

20-21 God can do anything, you know—far more than you could ever imagine or guess or request in your wildest dreams! He does it not by pushing us around but by working within us, his Spirit deeply and gently within us.

The extravagant dimensions of Christ' love is what makes this possible.  God can do anything... even teach us how to love our brother and sister and walk with them in grace and love.  How? By following his Spirit.

In Christ,

Book Review: Love You More

I recently had the opportunity to do a book review of  Love You More: The Divine Surprise of Adopting my Daughter by Jennifer Grant.  The book is Jennifer's memoir of the process of adopting her 4th child from Guatemala (her first three children were from natural birth).  I was drawn to the story because a quarter of my blood is Guatemalan and so the fact that her daughter was from there piqued my curiosity.  In addition, foreign adoption is becoming more commonplace these days and I was curious to read someone's story about it.

I enjoyed the story.  I think she did a good job of balancing the hardships and realities of adoptions alongside the beauty and the wonder of adoption being a wonderful piece of a God story.  Reading this book gives you a good perspective on adoption, including why people think adoption is immoral (a concept I had never heard before) and resources if you are considering adoption.  Don't worry, reading this story will not make you feel guilty that you HAVE to adopt.  She in some ways even discourages it, if your heart motives are not coming from love.  However, she does emphasize the wide-spread problem of orphans in this world and challenges us as believers to find practical ways to address the problem.

If you are curious about adoption for any reason, whether you have friends that are adopting or you desire to do so someday, this book is a nice, safe, easy way to start exploring the thoughts and concepts around adoption.

In Christ,



I received a complimentary copy of this book from Tommy Nelson publishing.  All thoughts and opinions are mine and mine alone.

What are you feeding your kids?

This morning I woke up thinking about Daniel 1:8

But Daniel purposed in his heart

that he would not defile himself with the portion

of the king's meat, nor with the wine which he drank.

Therefore he requested of the prince of the eunuchs

that he might not defile himself.

In case you do not know the story, Daniel had been taken captive to Babylon.  He has been selected by the kingdom to be trained in the Babylonian ways.  One of the ways of training was for them to eat the food of the kingdom, but the foods presented went against Daniel's principles.  So Daniel purposed in his heart to do things differently; to do things God's way.  Here was the result:

Daniel 1:19-20

And the king communed with them, and among them all was found none

like Daniel, Hananiah, Mishael, and Azariah. Therefore stood they before the king. 

And in all matters of wisdom and understanding

that the king inquired of them, he found them ten times better

than all the magicians and astrologers who were in all his realm.

This story has always been inspirational to me.  Daniel was given a huge opportunity to be influential in the kingdom of Babylon.  I have no doubts that the food was delicious and very tempting and he could have easily blended in and probably did just fine, but he said "No, I am doing it God's way" and the result made him head and shoulders above the rest.  My challenge from this post will be for us to ask ourselves if we are raising our kid's God's way?  Are our kids standing head and shoulders above their unsaved peers?

Babylon was one of the most influential kingdoms of the time and to be given the opportunity to eat the food  that the king provided had to be huge.  There was probably a choice of a WIDE variety of the very best foods.  But Daniel chose not to look at the opportunities being presented to him, but rather to look at the principles of God and to filter his choices through God's way.

In America, we are incredibly blessed with a wide varieties of opportunities.  Around every corner are things that appear to be very beneficial.  Like Daniel, our kids have the opportunity to "eat" from the very best that this world has to offer right now, but are we as parents willing to step back and choose to do things according to God's principles and not the world's?  Are our expectations in line with His expectations or are they in line with what society says is normal?

I am often amazed when I talk to Christian parents who state the norm in their house is for their children to fight. Our society teaches that there is such a thing called "sibling rivalry" and that this is normal.  As a result, many people tolerate this sort of behavior between their children.  The Bible also taught (first) that yes, we have a sinful nature BUT we have to learn to overcome it with God.   I am also amazed by the common thread in our society that our "kids will outgrow these negative behaviors" and we call these negative behaviors "stages."  While I totally understand that our children do go through stages of negative behavior, the Bible does not call us to laugh it off, wait until the stage passes and/or look the other way.  Instead, as parents, we ARE called to train and discipline our children, and this training can and should produce a DIFFERENCE.

Proverbs 22:6

Train up a child in the way he should go,

and when he is old he will not depart from it.

I am not saying that the proof you are doing this will be that your children are perfect little angels and never do anything wrong, but rather I am asking the question: are we training them?  The word "training" implies work.  If you have ever exercised and lifted weights you know that it is tiring and not easy, but WHEN you do it there is positive results. Our children should be known for their character. 

Proverbs 20:11

Even a child is known by his doings,

whether his work be pure and whether it be right.

Is that a goal you have for your children in their youth?  That people would know them for the good and the right things that they do?

God challenges us to some pretty big things are Christians: 

Romans 12:18

If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone.

We are to love our brother and sisters in Christ, serve one another and live at peace with everyone.  What better place for our kids to practice and learn to live this out then in our homes?  As Christian parents, we have been given the opportunity to give our kids a HUGE head start in life and train them on HOW to love, how to live at peace and how to be kind starting right in our own families.

Psalm 127:3b-5

Children are a heritage from the LORD,

offspring a reward from him.

 Like arrows in the hands of a warrior

are children born in one’s youth.

 Blessed is the man

whose quiver is full of them.

Our kids should be a blessing to us, their brothers and sisters and then to the world.  We shouldn't be holding our breath until they grow up to see if they become people of character.  Instead, we should be able to shoot them out of our homes into the world, like a warrior shoots an arrow!  When they leave our homes they should be ready to cause DAMAGE to the kingdom of darkness.
 

Psalm 127:1

 Unless the LORD builds the house, the builders labor in vain.

Deuteronomy 6:6-8

These commandments that I give you today are to be on your hearts.

 Impress them on your children. Talk about them when you sit at home

and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up.

Tie them as symbols on your hands and bind them on your foreheads

Beloved, we truly need the Lord to build our houses for us. In His Word He has clearly told us how.  What we say we believe on Sunday with our hands up in the air, needs to be walked out on Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday....  It needs to be a part of our lives from sun up and sun down.  And guess what, applying the Truth of God's Word into our lives, including how we raise our children should, can and will make them different.  So as the title of the post says, "What are you feeding your children?"  Are you feeding them the principles and expectations that this world has to offer or are you feeding them God's way?   As Christians, our families should be DIFFERENT, our children should be DIFFERENT.  The difference should be good, it should be noticeable and when people begin to ask why, we can say with confidence that it is because we are feeding them God's way.

For all my thoughts on parenting click here or for specific issues see the following titles:
Training Children: more of my thoughts on what it means to train our children.
The Fruit of the Spirit: Gentleness: Is gentleness one of the attributes you possess in your parenting style?
Be Referees: If you are having trouble working with your spouse when it comes to parenting.
Lessons from my Children 1: Valuing Relationships & Lessons from My Children 2: Why we have relationship: Sibling Rivalry?  Here are some thoughts about it.




In Christ,

A glimpse of my parenting perspective

As I have walked through life I have met a lot of people that have pain from their childhoods.  For a variety of reasons, whether traumatic or not, things happened in their youth which they have carried with them into their adulthood.  Often times their parenting styles take on nuances designed to prevent the same type of pain from occurring in their own children's lives.  The goal for them becomes creating a world where their children will be pain free.  While I, myself, have tried this and see the good aspects to it there can also be negative aspects to it as well. This style of parenting is primarily fear-motivated and ends up ignoring the role of the enemy in our lives, how to effectively fight him and how to receive healing from inevitable pain.  Also, this style of parenting can cause parents to be frustrated with themselves and feel like failures because they eventually do fall into the very patterns they are trying to avoid.  The past 8 years of my Christianity I have spent a lot of time allowing God to heal a variety of wounds in my heart.  As I have done that, I have learned more about God's heart toward me and about the enemy's strategies.  I feel like this part of my journey has also changed the way I feel about parenting.

Instead of having "avoiding pain" as our parenting goal, our goal as parents should be to train our children to see Jesus and to know how to access His TRUTH to find healing from pain. My children are still relatively young so in our lives this often translates to ending time-outs in prayer. I have learned in my own life that I cannot do the things I want or need to do without the help of Jesus and that I need to ask for His help. I've also learned that He is more than GENEROUS in providing help in my time of need. My children and I often come into His presence and learn how to rely on Him to move on from our places of need.


Formerly, I thought my goal was to be "Jesus" to my kids; that by looking through me and my life they would then be able to see God.  While the intent of my heart was good, the results were not.  This perspective often caused me to fall into anger and frustration at myself when I failed because I was not able to provide a perfect picture of God.  But God showed me one day that I don't need to be perfect, He had already provided the perfect mediator and that I kept getting in the way.  The following is what I have been learning since that day and applying in my own life.  I am not perfect.  If my children look through me first to see God there will ALWAYS be imperfection in the way and it will blur their picture of God.  How often have you heard people say they cannot understand the Father heart of God because they had an imperfect father here on earth?  The problem comes in because we are translating God first through our human perspective.  This model of parenting goes: 

Kids (see) Parents (then see) God. 

The result of this sytle of parenting is a skewed perspective of God. 

I truly believe our goal instead is to direct our children to see Jesus and see Jesus first:

Kids (see) Jesus (see) God. 

Where are we in all of this.  We are NEXT to our kids looking at Jesus. 

Hebrews 12:2a

Fixing our eyes on Jesus, the pioneer and perfecter of faith.

We do not need to be the stepping stone to God for our children.  He is more than able to meet them directly.  Instead, we need to teach and train our children to see Jesus and to see the world as Jesus sees it.

How does Jesus see the world? "He (the enemy) has come to steal, kill and destroy (John 10:10a)."  But Jesus also says, "I have come that they may have life, and have it to abundance (John 10:10b)."  Your children WILL have pain in this life because the enemy still exists.  If your goal as a parent is to help them avoid pain at all costs then you will end up being very frustrated because it is an impossible goal. 

What does this style of parenting look like? For me it has been:

1. Being vulnerable with God and allowing Him to heal my heart in many areas. 
2. To learn what spiritual warfare looks like and learning how to fight it. 
3. To take these lessons and principles I've learned and apply them practically with my children.
4. Letting go of the concept of trying to raise children who will never experience pain.
5. My goal instead is to raise warriors who recognize how to fight and when the pain does come, even from me, that they know who and where they can ALWAYS go to find safety and healing.

God has not asked us to be perfect parents.  He has asked us to point the way to Him, the perfect FATHER.  For me the safest place to do this from has been next to my kids, down on my knees instead of standing between Him and them.

(As a bonus: If the pain from your childhood has skewed your perspective of God, take the source of the pain out of the way and put the cross between you and them.  They weren't meant to be there in the first place.  The best step to find healing in that instance is to have YOU then THE CROSS and then the source of pain).

In Christ,

Lessons from my children 4: Doing something great

This morning my kids decided to make a picture together as a present for their Dad and I.  "Sshhh" at the time it was a secret.  I overheard them working together,

"I'll make the ears.  I'm good at making the ears." 

"Okay."  And then they were patiently taking turns with one another.

Wow, that puts a smile in a parent's heart.  As they were doing it, I was already thinking about how it will go in the memory box with a note that they came up with an idea to make something together and they pulled it off.  The beauty of the moment was shattered by high pitch screaming and crying by my daughter Mercea.  The intensity of the cry would make you think that she had sliced her finger off, but the cry was not due to an injury but rather it was from a disagreement about the color of the next body part.

The cry resulted in me sending them to their rooms for a "creativity break" and after a couple of minutes I sat and talked first to Mercea and then the two of them together.  The gist of the conversation was, that what will make this project special to Mommy and Daddy is the fact that they are doing it together.  The picture will be beautiful, but what will make it extra special is the fact that they did it together in love.  We talked about the need for compromise and cooperation.  They returned to their project and happily finished their grand surprise.

Many Christians want to do some "great" project for God.  Do you know what often gets in the way of doing something "great" for God?  People, especially those closest to us.  It is much easier to do a project then it is to love people.  I have tons of art pictures by my kids, they shoot them out at about 5-10 pieces a day.  Why then was I going to choose to treasure and store this particular picture?  Because they did it together, in love.  And I thought about God.  Throughout the course of a day, much more the course of human history, there are many people doing "things" in honor of God.  But in God's Word, He didn't command us to do 30 great things for Him over the course of the lifetime.  Yet that's what we so often strive after.  We as humans still tend to focus on outward projects.  We forget that He tells us that God does not look at the outward appearance, but He looks at the heart (I Samuel 16:7).

What did He ask us to do with our hearts?  He has asked us to love one another and yet this single command remains one of the hardest challenges of our lives.  Here is just a taste of the numerous requests:

John 13:34

A new command I give you: Love one another.

As I have loved you, so you must love one another.

Romans 13:8

Let no debt remain outstanding,

 except the continuing debt to love one another,

for he who loves his fellowman has fulfilled the law.

I Peter 1:22

Now that you have purified yourselves

by obeying the truth so that you have sincere love for your brothers,

love one another deeply, from the heart.

I John 4:12

No one has ever seen God; but if we love one another,

God lives in us and his love is made complete in us.

If you want to do something great for God, love your sisters and brothers in Christ.  I know as a parent, there is nothing that excites my heart more than seeing my two children working together in love.  I believe that seeing us love one another brings joy to God's heart.

In Christ,

Lessons from my children: 2 Why we have relationship

You would think after my last talk with my children, they would stop picking on each other, right?:)   Not so. 

Lesson 2: Why do we have relationship?

I heard my son, James, yelling at his sister, Mercea the other day.  For the first time, it didn't seem like my daughter was actively participating in annoying him.  I asked him if he was being cranky with his sister or if they were just pretending (sometimes it is hard to tell) and he said he was cranky so I sent him to his room for a time out.  Then I called my daughter in to see if she was being an instigator and she said she wasn't.  After his timeout I had him come to me so we could talk.  I asked him what was wrong.  James said his sister was being silly.  Was she interfering with what you were building?  No.  Was she touching your stuff or getting in your way?  No, she was just being silly. 

I had to chuckle to myself when James said this.  In order for the rest of this post to make sense you need to know that  my son and daughter have 2 very different personalities.  James is the oldest and has a serious streak to his personality.  He pays great attention to detail and needs to do things the "right way."  Mercea, on the other hand, is very carefree.  We call her "Messy Missy" because she cannot make it through a meal without creating something, and it usually is a mess.  She is very artistic.  And silly, well that is one of her main character qualities.  Of course, it is obvious to see why these 2 different personalities could cause constant conflict, but it is also easy to see why these 2 personalities need each other.

So back to our conversation.

"So your sister was being herself, and that was bothering you?"  "Yes."

So we called Mercea in and we had a chat about the purpose of relationship.

If there was only seriousness and order everyday how would the colors of life shine through?  However, if there was only a carefree, messy life, how would anything productive be done?  We talked about how often my son enjoys his sister's silliness and how often it makes him laugh.  We also talked about the need to not always be silly all the time and how to be sensitive to what the other person is feeling.

We need relationships with others because they bring beauty and color to our life.  If we choose to let the times their personalities challenge ours and annoy us define who they are to us we will soon view them as  "annoying" and disassociate ourselves with them.  Then we are the ones who will lose.  So instead of cutting people out of our lives or trying to change their personalities we need to look at the many ways they enhance our lives.  And those few times (which we tend to exaggerate to be all the time) their personalities rub us the wrong way, we need to give them the grace to be themselves.

Relationships are challenging but they are worth fighting for.  Sometimes we need to evaluate what lies are beginning to dominate our relationships with others and challenge those lies.  As adults, we don't have our parents to sit us down and help us talk it through, but that doesn't mean that sometimes we don't need to give ourselves a timeout and work through why this relationship is becoming a problem.  If you have a relationship that is being defined more by conflict than peace I would encourage you to step aside with the Lord and allow Him to speak His truth over it. 

In Christ,

Lessons from my children: 1 Valuing Relationships

Have you ever been in the midst of teaching your children a life lesson and felt like God was holding up a big mirror in front of your face?   The words that were coming out of your mouth were flying right back at you like they are coming out of a megaphone?  Maybe you should be the one being talked to?  The next 3 blog posts will contain a snipet of the lessons that I am currently learning as I am simulatenously teaching them to my children.

Lesson 1: Valuing Relationships

Have you ever sat and listened to your kids fight?  It's not much fun to listen to, is it?  Often times their fights are well, pointless.  They often times are fighting about something that in our minds' eye is shall we say, infantile.

My kids, for the most part, are very good friends.  They enjoy each other's company and are kind to one another.  But in the past couple of weeks, they have started to pick at one another on a more consistent basis.  It is little, nitpicking back and forth and it not only gets under each others' skin it also gets under their mother's skin.

So the other day, I took them aside to have a little chat together.  During that chat, I said, that they need to work on valuing their relationship with one another more than they value getting their own way.  We talked about how Mommy and Daddy like different things, but because we like each other more than those things, we are willing to set aside our personal desires and take turns doing what the other person likes in order to make the other person happy.  Again why?  Because we value our relationships more than we value our personal desires.

Of course, as I was talking I felt more like I was listening to the Holy Spirit than talking out of my own wisdom.  And I began applying what I was saying to my own adult life.  I wondered to myself, how many times the Lord looks down at our adult fights and feels that the arguments are pointless.  That often times we are more interested in getting our own way and being right instead of valuing our relationships and making the changes necessary to show that the relationship is more important than getting my way done for the moment.

Galatians 5:13-15

You, my brothers, were called to be free.

But do not use your freedom to indulge the sinful nature;

rather, serve one another in love. The entire law is summed up in a single command:

"Love your neighbor as yourself." If you keep on biting and devouring each other,

watch out or you will be destroyed by each other.

So I encourage you to take time to pause and consider what you are valuing right now in your relationships.  Are you taking the way of love and service to one another or are you choosing your way.  What is more valuable?

(Hint: The only things that are eternal are relationships.)

In Christ,

Be Referees

I was at my nephew's basketball game last night and I started watching the referees. There were several times in the game where one referee's initial reaction would be different than the other referee's as to who the ball went out of bounds on. The indecision only lasted about 2 seconds and one referee would make a decision and the game would continue. It happened so quickly, that if you weren't paying attention, you probably would have missed it. The referees didn't stop the game to come together to discuss it, or argue with each other while the crowd sat and watched. Instead, they had a united front and they supported one another.

Each referee had a different perspective of the game because they were viewing the game from different angles. The referees, however, understood their positions and their need to be united together in decision making. The crowd, the players and the coaches all had their opinions on the game too but when conflict occurred the only decision that ultimately mattered was the decision the referees made. In order for the referees to remain in control of the game, they need to be on the same team and support each others' decisions.

I believe the referees provide a good example for how parents should act with each other in front of their children. I know men read my blog, but ladies I'm particularly focusing on us because I think men understand this concept of loyalty in this manner better than we do.

When we become mothers something in us changes and we discover a love we've never had before, because we love something that we carried within ourselves, someone that is part of who we are and someone that we would do anything to protect. As a result, we often choose to put ourselves on our children's team and our husbands can easily become "the enemy" that you and the children are trying to fight against. Unfortunately, this is a wrong perspective and we need to step back and see the position that we hold. Like referees, parents come at the game from different perspectives, seeing things from different angles. As a result, parents will probably have different opinions at times. When the differences of opinion occur before the children, there needs to be a united front and it should happen so quickly that the children don't even notice that there may have been a moment of indecision. If you choose to discuss or even argue the decision in front of the children they will soon realize the weaknesses between the two of you and they will begin to use it to their advantage. The result will be a good cop, bad cop situation; this isn't a healthy perspective for our kids to view either parent as and if you present a united front together before the kids than this should not happen.

Does this mean you can never discuss things with each other? Absolutely not. You should discuss parenting issues together often and come up with a plan of how you will deal with different situations that way when you are before you children you know how to handle it. In a basketball game, the referee closest to the ball usually gets to make the call. I used to be silent when my husband was around and my kids were misbehaving. This ended up being a cause of frustration to us for several reasons. One frustration was that it caused him to think that I never corrected the kids. He would be waiting on me to correct the kids, I would be waiting on him to do it and then by the time correction was made it was being made in frustration for the lack of no one doing the correction. The second frustrating reason was it was beginning to make him be the bad cop of the family. He isn't with the kids nearly as much as I am and he had to spend his time with them correcting them and not being able to just enjoy them. The final cause of frustration is that I would know them better and at times, some of the things he was asking from them were not age appropriate expectations. I then would be mad at him for disciplining them. I thought that by allowing him to make all the discipline decisions when he was around I was allowing him to be the leader of our home. After discussion, though, we both realized that it would be better if I made most of the "initial calls" since I was around the children more and knew what they were capable of doing and when they were crossing that line. As a result, I now usually do the initial blowing of the whistle in our home, even when he is around. He, however, quickly reinforces what I have to say and if it needs to be taken to another level he will usually take over in that. As a result, there is a lot less frustration on everyone's side.

So ladies especially, I would encourage you to evaluate your position as a parent/spouse. Make sure you know your role. You bring great value to your family because of your mother bear perspective in regards to the kids. But ultimately, when it comes to discipline issues there are many times when you and your spouse are referees and need to make the call together. There will be a day when you have to release your children and at that time, you will want to be able to look at your spouse and still have a lover and a friend, not an enemy.

In Christ,

Who Nose Better?

My son is 5 1/2 years old and he is anxious to do many things by himself. This morning he wanted to toast his bagel all by himself in our toaster oven. He has been itching to do this for days. Today I thought we would work on it together. Our toaster oven has a glass door which gets hot and our counter is small and with James up on the small counter it is hard to get the bagel out safely. I let him put the bagel in, turn it on and was going to let him try to get it out (with my monitoring of course). However, I realized he was having trouble maneuvering the knife to get the bagel out so I had to take over. I said, "I'll stab the bagel with the knife, then you can pull it out." He did not like this idea and he immediately shut down. He didn't want to pull the bagel out anymore since he didn't stab the bagel himself. I gently picked him up and said, "Let's go look in the mirror."



I then proceeded to take him to the mirror where just by looking he was immediately reminded of the injury on his nose from Saturday.

On Saturday, he thought it was a good idea to go running, roll on an exercise ball and fall head first into a beanbag. I told him to stop because he was going to get hurt. Five minutes later though he went and did it again, and this time he did miss the beanbag and you can see the results of that on his nose.

So this morning I asked him, "Who knows (nose:) better?"

"When Mom tells you not to do something it isn't because she is trying to be mean or prevent you from doing something, but she is trying to protect you. There will be a day when you can do it all by yourself but right now you just need to trust me and believe that I am stopping you from doing something because it is best for you; even if you don't see it."

As a parent I'm starting to learn that I need to listen to the advice that I am teaching my kids because I often find that those lessons coordinate very well with what God is trying to teach me at the moment. Currently, the Lord and I are working on helping me to trusts Him better and not shutting down completely when I sense Him trying to help me out.

I know it probably sounds absurd but I realized last week during one of my Breaking Free individual study times that I had some areas where I was trusting myself more than I was trusting God. I have areas in my life where I don't understand God and what He is doing so like James, I choose to shut down and not even try anymore. I trust myself and my ability to do things more than I trust God. And God gently pulls me away and takes me to the past and points "Remember that time? You did it your way and you got hurt. Why don't you follow my lead and allow me to help you through this time?"

So I'm learning to trust again, to trust God's heart toward me is good and even though I don't understand why I can't have things my way that His ways are better than my ways. I would much rather trust Him and His infinite wisdom than trust myself and my finite and unwise ways.

He knows better!

PS Don't forget about my Giveaway for a $10 Starbucks giftcard!! Stop by my site for details on how to qualify.

Last time we talked about our need for each other in Warning: Do NOT Attempt Alone. Today I would like to continue that discussion by focusing on Titus 2:4:

Then they (older women) can train the younger women

to love their husbands and children,

to be self-controlled and pure, to be busy at home,

to be kind, and to be subject to their husbands,

so that no one will malign the word of God.

As a younger woman (I think :) transitioning into the older women role, I just want to say to all you "older women" that you are needed! Many women get caught up in feelings of failure and thinking that they have nothing to offer. I want you to know we need you, and we already know you are not perfect and that you probably have failed but you can still teach us something, even if it is from your failures.

I am blessed with a good relationship with my mother-in-law. She was a stay-at-home Mom and she loves to cook and serve her family. I have watched her through the years, and I have learned a lot from her about how not be selfish and self-serving and instead to put others first. I know having her in my life has helped me to love the role that I am currently in as a mother and a wife.

The Scripture says that older women can train younger women to "love" their husbands and children. The word love here is the Greek word "Philo" which refers to love through the daily grind. This verses shows us that this type of love is not something that is innate. Our society believes in falling in and out of love. This ends up being the crux of many divorces. The "Philo" love discussed here is the kind of love God wants us to have in our families, because there will be times when we do not "feel" in love with our spouse or children. But there is a love that goes beyond emotions and can bring us through those "other" days. It is something that we need to learn. Contrary to the new educational philosophies, the best way to learn actually occurs through teaching! Older women do need to teach the younger women how to do this. Again, this doesn't have to be through a "class" but it can occur through relationship with one another and by being real together.

Our society is very individualistic and as a result we have lost some very valuable things. One of those valuables we've lost is the idea of learning from one another. The younger generation, has a very "I know it all, if I put my mind to it I can do anything." The key word in here, I. As a result of thinking I can do it on my own, we haven't looked at the value and the need we have for one another. In regards to our children, we feel that we are the child's mother and therefore we come fully equipped for the task of raising them. Unfortunately, this is not the case and soon we will fail. Instead of getting caught up in feelings of failure we should ask for advice. Young women, let us set down our pride and be willing to be humble and ask for help. I know as a stay-at-home Mom some days can be long, hard and overwhelming. I love the advice I have gotten from former stay-at-home Moms that this time does go FAST and that we need to enjoy every moment. The little monotonous things we do everyday are valuable and we are laying a strong foundation for our kids, even on the hard days.

Older women: I know your generation is sometimes at a quandary. Many of you were born when going back to work was the thing to do and that is what you did. You were not supported in your mothering years by others because you were either working, or if you did stay at home, you were at home on your own. You didn't have the support of play groups, etc. Therefore, you might not have had an example of an older women/younger women relationship. Just know, we do care what you have to say and you can be an encouragement to another young women. God will show you how!

Hopefully, when we truly get that life has its trials its ups and downs but there is a better way to get through them we will begin to offer that life, help and support to one another.

In Christ,

If you like this you might also like:
Training Children
Why I Homeschool

Smorgasbord Tuesday: Fruit of the Spirit Gentleness

Maracuya (Passion Fruit)

We only have a couple weeks left looking at the fruits of the Spirit. I am kind of sad because I've really enjoyed the whole process. I've learned a lot about the Holy Spirit during this process; I hope that you have learned some new things too!

This week's fruit of the Spirit is gentleness. I think people tend to attribute this trait as a feminine quality, but the more I've been reflecting on it I think men can and should be really good at this fruit, too. I've come up with a definition of gentleness from “Jaime's dictionary:”

Gentleness:
the recognition that you have
the power to break, harm or destroy
the object you are interacting
with because it is precious, fragile
and inferior in power compared to you.
Because of this you choose to restrain your
power and instead use your power to
protect it for its benefit.

I came to this definition by thinking about when we tend to use the word gentle. The scenario that came to my mind was when we talk to toddlers who want to see a baby. The phrase you always hear is, “Be gentle.” Why? Because we recognize the toddler has the power to hurt the baby and that they need to consciously restrain their power in order for the baby to be protected from harm.

Like I said earlier I think as a society we tend to attribute gentleness as a feminine trait but I believe it can be a very masculine trait if men would recognize the meaning of gentleness.

Ephesians 6:4
Fathers, do not exasperate your children;
instead, bring them up in the training
and instruction of the Lord.

The Lord is very clear that fathers play an important role in training their children to know and understand the Lord. Men by design are powerful creatures in both statures and in word. One of the ways they can achieve the goal of bringing up their children is by treating their children with the gentleness and this can only be learned by being with the Lord.

Philippians 4:5
Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near.

I think this verse clearly points out that one of the evidences of the nearness to the Lord will be gentleness. If gentleness is lacking in your personal life I would suggest doing a few things. One is to get near the Lord. This can happen through prayer, worship, reading your Bible and fellowshipping with others.

The second thing I would suggest is to take time to reflect on what gentleness means. This understanding of gentleness has already started helping me respond to my kids in a more gentle way. I am recognizing that I have power with my words. My words can either destroy or protect their spirits. By consciously recognizing this fact it has helped me to restrain myself when I interact with them. I don't have to prove my “power” to them by being forceful with them. Often times, I think disciplinary struggles flare when there is a power struggle going on. In the end, the parents lose their tempers and gentleness is the farthest thing from their minds (of course I know this only from observation not experience :). The parent is trying to prove to the child that they are in control. However, when you eliminate the power struggle because you are the one in the place of power, you will find that it will be much easier to discipline and to do it with gentleness. You are the one in power in your relationship with your children you do not need to establish this over and over again. If you've “lost” that power with your children, then first reestablish this as a fact in your own mind. You are in control and you have the power to protect or crush your children's spirits. Since you have that power choose to restrain it and use it in a manner that protects and nurtures your child instead of in a way that crushes and destroys their spirits. (For more on parenting check out my post on Training Children.)

Finally, for the greatest understanding of gentleness meditate on the character of God. As we have seen with all the fruits; these character traits are from God ALONE and He blesses us with opportunity to have them in abundance in our lives. He is the All-powerful One. He is the Creator of the Universe! He is powerful we are not! He could choose to force Himself upon us and have us follow Him out of fear and trembling alone. Instead, He restrains His power and came to us in the form of a man, Jesus.

Zechariah 9:9
See, your king comes to you,

righteous and having salvation,

gentle and riding on a donkey,

on a colt, the foal of a donkey.

Matthew 11:29
Take my yoke upon you and learn from me,

for I am gentle and humble in heart,

and you will find rest for your souls.

Or look at I Kings 10:11b-12

Then a great and powerful wind tore the mountains apart
and shattered the rocks before the LORD,
but the LORD was not in the wind.

After the wind there was an earthquake,
but the LORD was not in the earthquake.

12 After the earthquake came a fire,
but the LORD was not in the fire.

And after the fire came a gentle whisper.

Look at God and how He desires to come to you. As we talked about last week He desires to bring us to repentance through kindness. He also has approached us with a gentle spirit. Gentleness in no way lessens who He is rather it enhances His amazing power.

I hope you enjoy this week basking in the gentleness of the Lord, and letting those around you benefit from His gentleness coming out of you!