She returned to the piano but her attitude was completely different. She was slouched down, hair over her eyes, and lip sticking out. Remember, 5 minutes earlier I had a perfectly happy, delighted little girl that wanted to play the piano? Now, because of an event, completely unrelated to the piano, she no longer was in the place where she could participate in playing the piano.
The conversation I had on the phone between this transition was about the book Journey of Desire. My co-leader was asking me if I had read the chapter yet called, "Letting Go." I had not read it at that time. However, after the conversation, I had a pretty good visual representation of the topic of that chapter.
Because, Mercea, was hanging on to her disappointment it was completely effecting the task she was supposed to be doing. She was not able to participate wholeheartedly because she was still hanging on to the disappointment from not getting her way. Even though the 2 events were completely unrelated it was still connected because of the way it was influencing her attitude.
So yes, it was a right on visual for me. I can completely relate. Disappointment has become an underlying attitude for me. I know the Lord has asked me to continue in some things, but I am only joining in half-hearted because I haven't and frankly don't want to let go of my disappointment. Of course that chapter, in Journey of Desire, was about God bringing John to the realization that he needed to let go and God had another path for him to walk on. But unlike I assumed, that God wanted me to suck it up and move on, it is becoming very clear that He wants to hear all about it and then He is inviting me to trust him.
So I want to share some quotes from the chapter "Letting Go" that shows the process that I am walking through:
- Being content is not pretending that everything is the way you wish it would be; it is not acting as though you have no wishes. Rather, it is no longer being ruled by your desires (180).
- "I want to predict what the Lord is going to do, so that it doesn't hurt so bad when it happens." we grasp onto perfectionism to avoid pain and disappointment. It only makes matters worse. So what do we do? How do we live with desire we cannot take care of and heartache we cannot prevent? We groan and wait (Romans 8:22-25) (184)
- To wait is to learn the spiritual grace of detachment, the freedom of desire. Not the absence of desire, but desire at rest (185).
- The paradox of grief is that it is healing; it somehow restores our souls, when all the while we thought it would leave us in despair (188).
- The time has come for us to quit playing chess with God over our lives. There are two kinds of losses in our lives, the kind that comes to everyone that we have no say in and chosen loss. Chosen loss is when we give our lives to the only One who can truly keep them. Spiritual surrender is not resignation. It is not choosing to care no longer. Nor is it Eastern mysticism, an attempt to get beyond the suffering of this life by going completely numb. It is surrender with desire, in desire. (192-193)
- True surrender is not an easy out, calling it quits early in the game. This kind of surrender comes only after the night of wrestling. It comes only after we open our hearts to care deeply. Then we choose to surrender, or give over our hearts, our deepest desires to God. And with them we give our hearts, our deepest selves. (194)